Can I have a Moment?

I hit the 31 year mark a few days ago. Yep. I'm thirty-one. It's incredible to think I have been on this earth for so long and still have no idea how to be an adult. When I oversleep and realize my son is going to be getting to preschool just in time for it to begin I find myself wondering if it would be worth it letting him stay home just so I can go back to sleep. I do tire of mac and cheese as a dinner option but there are still times when I push it because deep down I want its cheesy goodness more than my four year old does. We've been watching My Little Pony and I'm starting to like it - a lot. When my spoiled little one cusses at me I cuss right back - in my head of course. Usually. Don't judge me. Now she bites too. I've got little bruises and cuts all over my chest from my little monster. Don't worry I don't bite back. I just strap her down in her rocking chair.

It's almost midnight here. My kids are snoring next to me and I am ready to pass out but I needed to get something written down. I love my children but sometimes I feel like I neglect the other aspects of my life. I am behind on the new book. I've pushed back querying until my brain can get through the fog and keep track. All of my shorts are half completed and waiting to be posted here for you. It's hard when I stop to think about all of those other artists and authors who are published, who did what it took to make it. Those who had a creative space with a lock on the door and once they began creating never came out until they were satisfied with their work. It's a luxury I don't have and one I won't have until both of my children are in school. About three years from now. I wouldn't change much, if anything, in my life. I love my children and I love that I play such a large role in their lives. It's the only perk to being a stay at home mom. The other perks would be dishwashing and laundry because Lord knows I ain't getting any writing done. I guess what I'm getting at is I don't mind being thirty-one but I wish I had more to show for it. Even if I never get published I will still write but the dream will always be there and I'm wondering if I will end up putting everything on the back burner again like I did after having my first child. Am I to wait another three years to seriously query my novel? Another three years of writing and constantly worrying if I need to go back and do another edit; is my novel too short, is it exciting enough, is it good enough? I hate the self doubt that follows because I feel like a quitter. My husband reminds me that a novel a year isn't bad and I suppose he's right but what good is it if I'm the only one who reads it?

I don't think I'll be finding any answers tonight but I am enjoying the quiet. The quiet and the dark are oddly comforting. I'm glad I got to come here and speak with you. I'll be back soon. I promise :)




   


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